I cant remember a time in my life when I didn’t know that I was adopted.
Mum and Dad told my sister and I at the same time and I remember for much of my life it didn’t really mean too much of a difference… I had a great childhood filled with horses and friends, a wonderful cousin who I would spend most of my childhood with getting into trouble, fishing, camping, motorbiking and horse riding… I learnt lessons about love and heartbreak, of happiness and sadness, of giving and of forgiveness, of being thankful, of kindness to strangers, to acceptance of differences.
I spent time surrounded by families in all there shapes and sizes with my best friend janelle and my teenage sweethearts family still loved as much today as I did 30 years ago…
I loved being surrounded by people. I never really thought I was missing out or that I was missing apart of myself that I sometimes hear people talking about. I often thought and wondered about my other family on birthdays and christmas’ but it was a curiosity not a need
Until I actually held fletch in all his his tiny little scrawny preemie self, did I finally realise what being a mum meant. I think I was sitting in the NICU unit next to mum who had driven the 4 hours at 2 o’clock in the morning to get there to hold my hand and then told me off when I swore in front of 20 eager medical staff waiting for the arrival of this impatient little alien..
I remember saying to mum ‘I don’t know how she did it mum? she must have been heartbroken’ Fletch was in the NICU and the pull to be near him and never be apart was enormous! I cant imagine actually leaving him…
I went on to have my other children and she was never too far from my thoughts and I wondered if she was ok but still I didn’t know if I had the right to find someone that may cause them enormous pain, may open wounds that had healed.
But what if it healed the pain?..
So I went on the hunt, armed with the help of my beautiful Aunt, who would become my biggest cheerleader, supporter and investigator… (I love her enormously.) the hunt was long, hard and full of tears and disappointment.
Every story adoption story I knew was a good one. My sister had a great relationship with her mum… so I guess I was hoping for the same thing. But I really had no idea of the amount of heartbreak that i was walking into.
We found her eventually, we spoke, we cried. We met.
the short version, the other version is too hard…
It may be a case of too much too fast but lets say it ended in heartbreak. My kids were left devastated and crushed. My family shattered and hurt, my husband furious.
And me. I felt rejected and hurt to the core, but as timmy will attest to still trying to make excuses and apologise away her actions and trying to leave a door open that timmy for the sake of his kids and his wife wanted to slam and lock permanently.
Do I regret meeting her? No,
but I regret introducing her to my kids she wasn’t ready for that… and I hadn’t prepared my kids for the pain she would inflict on them, to this day they will still cry about her. And to know that I caused them such a wound is something that I will never forgive myself for. My kids have always been surrounded by love, they have never known loss until this year. I am sure this was unintentional on her part and I remind them of this. But never the less I introduced someone into their life that made them feel hurt.
Would I do it again? In hindsight no
Because I realise that even though I was ready and prepared for most outcomes, she wasn’t… my finding her opened enormous wounds for her that she had carried a lifetime and it was all too much. Every fibre of my being hates to cause anyone pain and me being me caused her pain, we are so very different. She once warned me that she doesn’t ever forgive … and she is true to her word.
I now realise that where I got my eyes from or my nose has nothing to do with who I am. Over the years I have surrounded myself with my family, they are the friends that I have collected throughout my life, each person I have met in my life has impacted and changed who I am, and I am eternally grateful and blessed and I learnt something from her as well.
What would you say to her today? Thank you
Thank you for giving me my life. Thank you for teaching me the lesson that motherhood is hard and it is about sacrifice.
The honour of being called mum comes from showing up and coming through. It is hundred things beyond giving birth. I know many friends who are step mothers step fathers, foster parents, grandparents they get those titles through blood sweat and tears and never walking away when the going gets hard.
But I also learnt from the pain that there is nothing I wouldn’t do for my kids, I will fight for them each and everyday.
I will be quick to forgive, and even quicker to love when they believe they don’t deserve it.
I will teach them that mistakes happen and it shows character to apologise for those mistakes and even bigger strength to accept an apology.
And that life hurts, people hurt you but you don’t have to carry that hurt with you and subject every person you know to it… be open to love, open to forgive and don’t run away from hurt because it always follows you.
I want them to learn to surround themselves with friends that become family…and always have the door open and arms open for a hug
And that the glass is always half full… and remember to fill every glass up to the brim every chance you have, and fill your families and friends as well… Fill that sucker up so it is overflowing with people, experiences and love and it will carry you through the tough times. I promise
But most of all that I have the most important job in the world. Being their mum is a privilege and there is not one thing that they could ever do or say to change that..EVER